Archive | January 2014

Hugh and Buffett, Clairvoyant Manatees pick the Superbowl Winners

Prior to this video, Dr. Gaspard didn’t know the camera was rolling and what he said is quite disturbing. They tried to destroy all evidence (by that I mean, they are from Florida and don’t know how to do that, so they simply put a line through the transcribed text).

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*Dr: Joseph Gaspard Ph.D: “I live in Florida, but I decide to wear a beanie and grow a beard to look badass. I use “Touch of Gray” because I hope chicks will think I am intelligent and distinguished. T of G is my ticket to Pleasure Town. No more V card for this guy, bitches. For some reason, there is a Ph. D next to my name? I told the producers who filmed this clip that I need to see a DOCTOR because I can’t stop shaking my fuckin head when I speak and I don’t want to get mistaken for Michael J. Fox. They must have heard differently and thought that I said I have a DOCTORATE. But the truth is, I’m a dumbass from Florida. I’m proud that I am famous for something so stupid. Oh and by the way, I’ve raped Hugh and Buffett on three separate occasions.”

Whoa whoa whoa, Mr. Gaspard. Did you think the camera was off? I heard every word you said, and you sir, are one sick bastard. All of you Florida people are twisted. From zombie bums hyped up on bath salts and eating each other to animal molesters like yourself, the entire state of Florida needs a good ass beating. Joe, you will never be mistaken for Michael J. Fox because you’re not half the man he is nor will you ever be.

This reminds me of “Blackfish”. How about the asshole Florida Seaworld owner? Killer whales need to be in the wild, not in captivity. I hope you both get raped by Tilikum and then eaten alive. Die slow.

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free tilly*What is quoted by Joseph Gaspard Ph.D is not true. Derf.

By: Dago Joe

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Dubs Stomp Clippers

The Dubs looked great last night. Curry was 4 for 4 from downtown with 22 points and 7 assists, Barnes 10/15 from the field, and Andrew Bogut went absolutely HAM in the paint putting up a double-double with 14 points and 17 rebs. Great to see the Aussie grabbing boards while his brother from an American mother, David Lee, posted a double-double with 22 points, 11 rebs, and 4 assists. Everyone on the Warriors contributed last night, and it was great to see a stomp down like that after losing by 3 to the Wizards at Oracle on Tuesday night. I have to say, watching Mo Speights get hung in the 2nd was pretty funny. It was even funnier that he was able to get a bucket off his rebound after being embarrassed. Speights needs to lift some weights.<–See what I did there? Unlike Speights, Barnes was able to get up…And 1?

Griffin still put up 27 but the Clippers weren’t able to make anything in the 3rd, going 1/14. Bogut hit a rare deep field goal midway through the 3rd with his foot on the 3-point line. And when that happened, the Clippers knew it was over. The Dubs’ lead increased to 20 with four minutes left in the 3rd and the game ended with a Dubs’ victory 111-92. Stagnant at 7th in the West, and 4 games back from the Clippers in the Pacific, I dedicate this win to Andrew Bogut…

Dubs are -6 against the Jazz tonight in Mormon world. I’m confident that we cover and boost are standings in the Pacific. GO DUBS.

By: Dago Joe

Kaepernick rips Sherman

By   @BrianMFloyd on Jan 30 2014, 1:39p

Colin Kaeprnick responded to Richard Sherman during Super Bowl media week and fought back with some fire. The Seahawks-49ers rivalry is the best in the NFL, and this is just another chapter in it.

Colin Kaeprnick responded to Richard Sherman during Super Bowl media week and fought back with some fire. The Seahawks-49ers rivalry is the best in the NFL, and this is just another chapter in it.

It’s no secret that the Seattle Seahawks and San Francisco 49ers hate each other. Even if one only tuned in for the NFC Championship, it’d be apparent. But this is a budding NFL rivalry — one of, if not the, best — that goes beyond just Richard Sherman, Michael Crabtree and Colin Kaepernick, even if those three have had the spotlight lately.

The latest chapter in this story involves Kaepernick, who is in New York for Super Bowl week and making the media rounds. After all the attention was on Sherman following his post-game rant live on FOX, it’s Kaepernick’s turn. And hoooo boy he mad (via Bart Hubbuch of the New York Post):

“As my dad has always told me, if you have to tell people how good you are, then how good are you really?” Kaepernick added. “If you have to go on national TV and try to say you’re the best cornerback in the league, then you’ve got your own insecurities.”

“I don’t care who’s out there,” Kaepernick said. “I had Crabtree one-on-one with half of the field to himself, and I’m going to take that every single time. He made a good play on that ball, but if I throw it a foot farther, it’s a touchdown and now you’re the goat, Richard Sherman.”

Kaep, YOU choked. You didn’t have to throw that ball and you did. Don’t say you would make that throw any day because 1. He was not open and 2. Sherman is a tall, talented CB, so why risk it? You did, and you lost. Instead of going on national TV and saying you are the best quarterback, you went on national TV and choked your chances of winning the Superbowl for the 3rd year in a row. You were on the bench in the NFC Championship against the Giants in 2012 (cough Kyle Williams cough), Superbowl last year? That’s more on Harbaugh than you. Regardless you guys wouldn’t have had a shot if Eddie Debartolo didn’t pay someone to shut off the power for an hour. This year against Seattle? All on you Kaep. All on you (and the refs, you guys almost got hosed worse than the Raiders and the “Tuck Rule”).

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Is Sherman a cocky piece of shit? Yes. But, he’s also the guy responsible for winning that game for his team. He stepped up and made a play. Don’t say “if I threw that ball 1 foot farther it would’ve been a TD” because hey Kaep, you DIDN’T, so you lost. Your team lost for the 3rd year in a row. What’s even worse is that the entire nation had to listen to this dumbass 24 year old from Stanford brag about how he is the best corner in the league because you didn’t throw the ball 1 ft further. Like you Kaep, my pops gave me advice as a kid…

“Hey look everybody, crossing guard is grabbing 8 year old’s asses over here!”

By: Dago Joe

Sharks Recap

The entire world knows by now that Ben Scrivens set the post-expansion record with a 59 save shutout. I watched the entire game, and the guy deserved it. Ben stood on his head and took no prisoners. It wasn’t like these shots were easy saves. To be honest the Oilers defense was pretty shitty from the get go.

1st period: The Sharks dominated the 1st period. Out shot, out hit, and out skated the Oilers. I was really impressed by Tommy Wingels. He was flying around the ice like a mad man finishing off all of his hits, not turning the puck over, and setting up quality shots with pristine passes. Unfortunately, Scrivens came to play and robbed the Sharks on 2 separate Powerplays. In the middle of the period, Marleau lost a face-off in our zone, puck got dumped back to Oilers defenseman, Justin Schutz. Niemi gets screened, and Schutz throws it at the far corner of the net for a goal. Right before the Mike Brown and Matt Hendricks fight broke out towards the end of the period, Scrivens stoned Andrew Desjardins on a quick one timer. Then the fight broke out…

What a classic hockey fight. It looks like Hendricks was gonna completely dominate the entire fight. He had more control on his skates and he was throwing Brown around like a rag doll. Luckily, he didn’t land any of the haymakers he threw, but he still muscled Brown down to the ice. At this point, I thought Brown was as dead as Bernie Lomax in Weekend at Bernie’s. Just full blown dead, someone shoulda helped Brown up to look alive.

weekend at bernies

So how does Brown react after being manhandled to the ice?…

…Like a fuckin Man. He didn’t want to get embarrassesd. He pops up and connects with two left hooks, sending Hendricks to the ice. The first one stunned Hendricks so badly, the second one wasn’t even needed. But who’s to judge that? Brown sneaks in one more before sending him home. Hendricks left the ice with a bloody nose and most likely a minor concussion. And THAT is how its done…

2nd period: Scrivens robs Matt Nieto in the 17th minute after what seemed to be an empty net for Nieto. Scrivens then stones Kearns in the 11th with a top shelf glove save. Seconds after, he steals one from Demers and Scrivens receives a standing ovation from his hometown crowd. At this point, there was no chance of getting anything by Scrivens. Both Wingels and Thornton scraped the post and then Marleau got his pocket picked twice in a row just under two minutes remaining in the period. Scrivens finishes with 42 saves in 2 periods.

3rd period: Sharks looked like they knew they were destined to lose. They looked like Aaron Hernandez in court. Completely hopeless. Not even a sense that they had a shot of winning. Taylor Hall scored his 19th goal of the season against Niemi 6 minutes in because Justin Braun didn’t get his stick in the passing lane. Then Jordan Eberle caps off the Oilers win with the 3rd goal of the night with a couple minutes left. Oilers won the game for 2 reasons. 1. Scrivens stood on his head and set the NHL record. 2. They put bodies in froth of Niemi. They screened him all night. If the Sharks woulda screened Scrivens, once, just ONCE. They coulda got into a groove and scored a few times. Instead, the night goes down in NHL history.

The Sharks haven’t scored in the last two games after getting shutout by the Kings on Monday night 1-0. Weirdly, everyone on the Sharks got a shot on goal last night except Joe Pavelski, after having 18 goals in the past 21 games. Tonight, I feel the Big Pavelski is gonna have a great game against the Flames, Sharks win, and snap the 2 game losing streak.

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Day

Does this look like the face of a lady who drove 2 miles through a LA suburb with a dying man on her windshield?

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Driver With Man On Windshield Says She Panicked

By Mario Sevilla

LOS ANGELES (AP) — A woman who drove 2 miles through a Los Angeles suburb with a dying man on her windshield says she can’t remember hitting him.

Sherry Lynn Wilkins testified Wednesday that he seemed to fly onto her car in the 2012 incident in Torrance, but the events were a surreal blur.

Prosecutors say 31-year-old Phillip Moreno was struck so hard that he flipped onto Wilkins’ car and punched a hole in the windshield.

“It was a flash, “Wilkins said. “I pretty much felt him landing on my window. To me, it felt like he came from the sky.”

Asked by her attorney how she felt in that moment, she said, “Very confused, like it wasn’t real. It took me a while to figure out there was a body on the windshield.”

“I didn’t feel like I had hit him with my car,” she said. “I felt like he fell into my windshield from up high.”

Wilkins said she panicked and kept driving until other motorists told her to pull over.

“I was very scared,” she said. “I kind of froze.”

Wilkins, a former addict who became a drug and alcohol counselor, wept and said she’d been drinking that night but wasn’t drunk. She said she had been “self-medicating” while waiting for knee-replacement surgery and had consumed three airplane-size bottles of vodka and a can of Budweiser beer and Clamato before starting to drive.

Prosecutors say her blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit.

Wilkins has pleaded not guilty to murder, DUI and hit-and-run.

Copyright 2014 The Associated Press. 

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Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted

Introducing Alice in WonDERFland. This story is so ridiculous when I first read it I couldn’t believe it was real. She claims, “it was a flash, To me it felt like it came from the sky.” Ok, so now you think an angel has miraculously landed on your windshield, so what do you do? You drive around after pounding persy vodkas and bud clamatos (solid choice) for 2 miles while the poor guy is fighting for his life. He’s on your windshield lady, your fucking WINDSHIELD! If this guy didn’t watch enough Jason Statham and Vin Diesel movies he woulda been toast. But instead, this guy lived a stuntman’s dream and rode around on a windshield of a car for 2 miles. Yes 2 miles. Meanwhile, the lady driving has not one fuckin clue of what is happening. To her, he looked like an angel. To him, she looked like a drunk, cracked out devil lost in wonderfland.

The fact that this guy survived is absolutely unreal, and he gets two thumbs up in my book. He definitely did his homework by watching XXX, Crank, The Transporter and Death Race before stepping foot outside his LA suburb home.

By the way, there his no doubt he is the son of Vin Diesel and Jason Statham…I even heard he was Diesel’s stuntman in XXX. Pretty crazy.

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“DICK you just entered the ZANDER ZONE…Moral is don’t be a DICK, DICK!!”

By: Dago Joe

Ben Scrivens is standing on his head right now and might as well run for Mayor of Edmonton

Edmonton Oilers goalie, Ben Scrivens, is absolutely robbing the Sharks right now. I haven’t seen this many saves in 2 periods ever. 42 fucken saves! The guy came to play in front of his TRUE hometown crowd. He grew up in Edmonton, following in the steps of the great Grant Fuhr. The crowd even gave him a standing O in the the middle of the 2nd.

So far he’s robbed Desjardins, Nieto, Kearns, Demers, and Marleau twice, while Wingels and Thornton both dinked one off the post. Scrivens is robbing everybody. Literally everybody. He’s like the Ex-Presidents in Point Break. Robbing banks left and right. If I had to pinpoint which Ex-President he is right now, I’d say….

….REAGAN for sure…Just like Bodhi, he’s runnin the show and he isn’t fuckin around….”ELLO, ELLO, ELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

Fuck you respectably Mr. Scrivens. F.U.

Sincerely,

Dago Joe

Raiders Receiver Rod Streater takes a dump on Dre Beats commericials

Hell yes Streater. You were my 2nd favorite receiver this year, behind Denarius Moore, and then you go and do something like this. And TOTALLY REDEEM yourself! You are now my favorite receiver. Screw Kaep’s Beats commercial in Seattle and screw Sherman’s Beats commercial. You just dumped on both of them. Thank you and Go Raiders.

By: Dago Joe

Superbowl Wives/Girlfriends Smokesmash

First lets do a WR matchup…

Jessie James-Pop country star/Eric Decker’s wife

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VS.

Elise Pollard-Girfriend of Golden TateImageImageImageImageImage

Two ABSOLUTE dimes. Talk about a couple lucky motherufckers. Both of these girls are fun sized, have perfect bodies, great smiles, and are cute and sexy at the same time. I’m gonna have to go with Jamie on this one. Jamie wins because she is pop country star, she is famous without Decker, and she’s sexier than Elise.

Broncos +1

Next up, WR vs CB….

Anna Welker-Wife of Wes

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VS.

Ashley Lillian Moss- Girlfriend of Richard ShermanImageImageImageImage

No contest. Welker’s wife, Anna, all day. I threw in the last photo of Sherman to show how much of an overachiever he is. Ashley is way too good-looking for that alien. As cute as Ashley is, Anna blew her outta the water on a number of different levels. Anna is a bikini model and she redefines sexy. And no doubt, just like Decker’s wife, Jamie, Anna is a freak too. I would not be shocked at all if Decker and Welker swapped wives every now and then. I mean, wouldn’t you?

Now onto QB’s…

Ashley Manning

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Vs.

4. Ashton Wilson

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Talk about a Smokesmash from Hell. Holy shit, this is tough. I like Ashley because she is tall, has a great smile, great body, and she is brunette. Peyton should be trying to have a kid right now because, no doubt,  its top notch breeding with her.

I like Ashton because she has blue eyes, a great smile, and a great body. Both chicks seem very loyal due to the fact that it was tough to find any photos of them without their husbands. So who wins?

I gotta go with Ashton on this one. The photo of her sitting down in that white dress with her legs crossed was the deciding factor. Tough decision, but Ashton wins.

Due to a great performance by the receiving core of the Denver Broncos, the donkeys pull it out in a close Superbowl Smokesmash victory over the Seahawks in a final score of 2-1.

welkdeck

….Keep your eyes peeled for post game swinger parties held by Welker and Decker…No doubt they will be fucking each other’s wives…

By: Dago Joe

Northwestern Football Team starts 1st Ever College Players Union

 

The football team at Northwestern University is leading a fight off the field. Players are filing papers to create the first labor union for college athletes. They want to ensure safety, and they want to be paid.

For the last three years, quarterback Kain Colter was a leader on the field at Northwestern University, and on Tuesday he led something very different – the charge to unionize college sports.

The NCAA is a multi-billion-dollar-a-year enterprise. Top-tier football teams like the University of Texas and Notre Dame are worth hundreds of millions in revenue for their programs.

NCAA rules prohibit athletes from being paid to play, but they can receive compensation in the form of scholarships and living expenses.

CBS News’ Michelle Miller asked Colter whether that was enough.

“We’re very grateful for the education that we get, and we put in hard work to obtain the degree at the end of the day,” he said. “There are essential rights and benefits that we’re missing out on.”

Colter says athletes are missing out on fully funded athletic scholarships, due process for alleged NCAA violations and guaranteed coverage for medical expenses for current and former players.

“You have to think down the line. These are our lives, and we want to make sure that we’re protected,” he said.

In order to be recognized as a union, the players have to prove they’re employees of the university, a claim the NCAA flatly rejects, saying in a statement, “This … attempt to turn student-athletes into employees undermines the purpose of college: an education. Student-athletes are not employees, and their participation in college sports is voluntary.”

The National Labor Relations Board will hold a hearing Feb. 7 to determine the fate of the union.

Leave it up to a smart yet talented football team to finally start a Union. The NCAA is absolutely shitting themselves right now because they have made billions of dollars from the unpaid blood, sweat, and tears of college athletes. They make money off of free labor. These athletes aren’t getting paid, whatsoever, so who does? Yes, the school, who gives most of them scholarships. But in the bigger picture, the NCAA is the organization making the biggest buck. Fuck the NCAA and all of their bullshit rules. If they are making millions of dollars a year from these unpaid athletes, they better let them party their asses off of recruit trips. The NCAA shouldn’t be turning players like Johnny Football into villains.

I’m sick of hearing the NCAA bad mouthing him and saying shit like, “Oh, Johnny Football is too much of a partier.” Get off his fuckin back. If you were 20 years old the season after winning the HEISMAN TROPHY. Yes, the HEISMAN TROPHY. What the fuck would you be doing? I’ll tell you that the majority of us wouldn’t be locked up, studying Bible scripture like Tim Tebow. So eat a bag of dicks, NCAA. The majority of us would be partying and banging as many smokes as we could while the fame lasted. Party on Johnny, party your ass off all the way to the 2014 NFL Draft.

Oh and ladies, please only approach him 2 at a time…ImageImageImage

By: Dago Joe

Marshawn Keepin’ it Smoove

Superbowl Media day is a joke, so why not treat it like one? Marshawn isn’t shy, he just doesn’t like people sticking microphones in his face, and the fact that the NFL fined him $50 K for not speaking to the media the entire season is a crock of shit.

Not sure how blunted Shawn is in this video, but that’s beyond the point.

Deion: “You look good.”…..Shawn: “Shit, you do too.”

The fact that Deion had to ask him if he was alright, was a bit outta line. C’mon Prmetime, he’s smoove. He’s about that ACTION. He speaks the truth. He isn’t out there running his mouth, he’s a team player. He’s not bragging about himself, his beastmode performance on Sunday will speak as his words. I say he has a great game, but the Seahawks just aren’t as good as the Broncos. Broncos win 31-24.

Is the fam gonna be there?……Shawn: “Town buiness gonna be in the building.”…Translated: All of Shawn’s homies will be in New York

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By: Dago Joe