Derf of the Day

Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted.

Dumbass: “Hey guys, did you know Michael Jordan played baseball too?”
Guys: “DERF!”

BENICIA — A Benicia elementary school teacher has been released from jail after being held on a $15,000 bail, and being charged with three counts of felony poisoning charges.

She was arrested on Friday at Matthew Turner Elementary School in Benicia, after allegedly feeding her co-workers marijuana-laced food at an employee pot luck.

Police were informed in early December by Benicia Unified School District Superintendent Janice Adams that a number of people reported feeling sick or possibly under the influence after attending a Nov. 21 after-hours employee potluck, Hartig said.

One female victim was admitted to a hospital for treatment that evening, and another was admitted on Nov. 22 complaining of chest pain and other symptoms, Hartig said.

Tests determined that victim had THC, the psychoactive substance in marijuana, present in her blood, Hartig said.

Police determined that several other people reported feeling like they were under the influence as a result of the potluck, and that one had taken the affected food home, where a juvenile family member consumed it.

The juvenile later experienced some of the same symptoms, Hartig said.

Badger allegedly confessed her involvement to individuals who were also at the party, Hartig said.

By Candice Naranjo

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Introducing school teacher Mrs. DERF. I mean how dumb do you have to be to bring pot brownies to a COMPANY potluck? It’s one thing if you gave em to your friends without them knowing, but giving them to a bunch of square elementary school teachers? Not too smart. What the fuck did she think was gonna happen? Did she honestly think everyone was gonna be happy and giggly and start laughing until they pissed their pants?

I ate a half of a Korova 100 mg brownie from a medical club about a week ago. I ate it 3 hrs before my last softball game of the season. Sad thing is that I was kinda hungry at the time, and it looked so damn delicious, so I ate it on an empty stomach. It tasted a little bit like weed, and I have never had bad experiences eating brownies, so I didn’t think it would fuck me up too badly. It took about 45 minutes until my body turned numb, then an hour later or so, my eyes went from cocaine white to cherry red. Now it was game time and I was as high as Method Man and Red Man in the movie, How High, before taking their SAT. So I thought to myself, this could either have been an absolutely horrible idea or a genius idea. Like Method Man and Red Man, I thought, maybe it will have a positive effect on me and I will bat 5 for 5 with no fielding errors.

I played the entire game at right center, and prayed no ball would come near me. Two innings in, a shallow pop up came to me. A bit shaky, I still caught it and almost gunned a guy down tagging at home. I thought, “Ok, maybe I’m gonna have an alright game.”

I ended up batting 4 for 5 with 4 RBI’s and we won our first game in Droppin Deuces history. I couldn’t fuckin believe it. I might as well have been Method Man in How High. Instead of getting into Harvard, I played the game of my life. I may have had a few errors in the field, but hey who’s counting? We won.

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Who the looks the most stoned in this photo? (Hint: he’s tall and may or may not have a green bat in his hands)

After the game we went straight to the Deuces bar, signed a softball to put up as our trophy, and proceeded to get shitfaced. I kid you not, I was hungover from the brownie, not the alcohol, until 11 am the next day. While I may have played well, I will never eat another Korova brownie again. I honestly thought my heart was gonna beat threw my chest during every at bat. I was a reck, but I pulled it together. The night will go down in history as our first ever win.

Droppin Deuces softball team +1

Korova Brownie +1 trillion

By: Dago Joe

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