Sigma Derby & Craps

Last weekend, about 15 of us “city slickers” (what the Tahoe cops/locals call us) headed up to South Lake Tahoe for a weekend of debauchery. We celebrated President’s weekend just like the rest of America. Drinking, gambling, barbecuing, getting sunburnt, and more drinking (with a little bit of snowboarding). It was a great weekend, and it’s the first time I’ve came back from Tahoe with money in my pocket. I won $450 in craps, but more importantly I won $50 in Sigma Derby. A buddy of mine, “Moshpit” Marty Barnes won $350 on Sigma Derby. The drunk bastard bet 7 quarters on the horse combo, 1 & 5, that was 200 to 1. I’m such a squid that I only bet 1 quarter. The great thing about that particular horse combo was that everyone at the derby that night had at least 1 quarter on it winning. EVERYONE WON. When the plastic horses were in the final stretch everyone was cheering…”1, 5, 1,5…..1, 5!!” Holy TOLDEO 1, 5 wins! Everyone went bananas. Slapping strangers’ hands and congratulating each other for winning a shit ton of quarters. The best thing about Sigma Derby is that when you win, all of the quarters pour out and hit the metal tray. Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Clinks for days. Just like cashing out on the old slot machines, everyone in the casino can hear who won . Fuck the stupid voucher and fuck the fake “clink” noise. That shit is for amateurs. Sigma Derby, on the other hand, is for bosses.

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After winning a whopping $50 at Sigma Derby. I took my winnings over to the Craps Table and made it last for 3 hours. This chick, Kathy, rolled 6 and 8 seriously a million times, so I kept pressing my bets and winning huge. She didn’t crap out for what felt like an hour, and the whole table won that night. When the table is loud, the 50 year old cocktail waitresses with fake tits and pounds of makeup on, immediately rush over. One came up to me and said, in the most fake way ever, “Well done! Would you like a drink, sir?” Ya, a Maker’s Manhattan on the rocks please. Poor lady was so shocked by my drink order that she didn’t know what hit her. She was expecting me to order a beer or something lame. Not when I’m playing Craps, honey. If I’m playing Craps, I need to drink like a Boss in order to roll like a Boss. And, it worked. I won big and so did everybody else. Wish I woulda walked away when I was up $700, but it was just too much fun. Every time I rolled I felt like Mr. Nick Papagiorgio in Chevy Chase’s Vegas Vacation. I was waiting for one of the Montbleu guys to escort me to my own suite that included free spa treatment, limitless mini bar drinks & snacks, and a huge bed that I could jump on while I threw my money in the air.  I thought maybe I will get invited to one of those”High-Rollers-Only Parties”

Never happened.

What did happen is that I had to drive back to the city the next day in 5 hours of fucking traffic. So much for the Boss life. Until next time, South Lake.

“I’m Nick Papagiorgio from Yuma, Arizona. I’m in the software business.”

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“So I says to em, I says, get your own monkey!”

Gonna go back up in a week or so to make some ridiculous sports bets.

By: Dago Joe

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