Archive | March 2014

HBO Shows: Best Opening Songs

1. The Sopranos: “Woke Up This Morning”-Alabama 3

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2. Generation Kill: “Shuffle Your Feet”-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

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3. True Detective: “Far From Any Road”-The Handsome Family

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4. Eastbound and Down: “Goin Down”-Freddie King

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5. Hung: “I’ll Be your Man”-The Black Keys

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6. Lucky Louie: Mark Rivers

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7. Boardwalk Empire

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8. Game of Thrones

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9. Entourage: “Superhero”-Jane’s Addiction

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10. Angry Boys

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Runner Ups

Flight of the Conchords

Hard Knocks (0.30)

By: Dago Joe

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USA Hero: Kyle Carpenter

Marine Corps veteran William Kyle Carpenter will become the Marine’s third Medal of Honor recipient since the start of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Marine Corps Times writes, citing unnamed officials.

 Carpenter, a medically retired corporal who’s 24 now, has been praised publicly since reports emerged that he risked his own life to save his friend.

Hope Hodge Seck, of the Marine Corps Times, reports:

Carpenter’s Medal of Honor nomination stems from reports that, as a 21-year-old lance corporal, he intentionally covered a grenade to save the life of his friend, Lance Cpl. Nicholas Eufrazio on Nov. 21, 2010, as the two Marines were standing guard on a rooftop in the Marjah district of Afghanistan’s Helmand province. Both men survived the blast, but were badly wounded.

Carpenter — whose Medal of Honor has not been officially announced — had serious injuries, including the loss of his right eye, the blowing out of his right ear drum, a fractured nose, and destruction of his lower jaw and cheek bones. Carpenter’s face is marked by shrapnel scars from the grenade’s explosion.

Lance Corporal Eufrazio was rendered unable to speak until late 2012 due to his own injuries. (By: Jeremy Bender)

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Kyle defines what it means to be a hero. He dove on a grenade to save his friend. Yes, he dove on a fucking grenade. Not too many heroes who receive the Medal of Honor are alive which proves how courageous he was. This guy deserves whatever the fuck he wants for the rest of his life. He wants a dog. Government better get him a dog. He wants 20 hookers, a pool, and a 1966 Mustang Convertible. Government better get him all 3 of those. I’m not gonna get into politics right now, but fuck all of this free money and Obama bucks bullshit (ok, I did, now arrest me). Government money should be given to guys like this, not leaches who suck the government dry and don’t contribute a thing to society. The worst is when these leaches run outta welfare money, they either pump out another kid or claim they have an injury to keep getting free money. Our society is backwards. People are complacent because everything is given to them by our Big government. I’m not saying I contribute a ton to society. I work for a moving company to pay for my weekends and when I’m not working, I write because I enjoy it. Sorry about the rant, but all I’m saying is that guys like this should be rewarded with government money, and I know damn well he will be given money. But, he deserves whatever the fuck he wants. So give it to him, Obama.

Thank you for your service Kyle and thank you for showing our nation what a hero looks like.

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By: Dago Joe

SHCP Fightin Irish Basketball

Love to see the Irish winning…especially in CCS open division basketball. Last second steal for a buzzer-beating, game-winning 70 foot shot = Sportscenter Top 10. Sorry about it, pumpkin land.

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Year

Couple: “Hey Look we just found $10 million in gold coins…”

Feds: “Yes you did, now give that to us.”

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A California couple who found a stash of buried gold coins valued at $10 million may not be so lucky after all. The coins may have been stolen from the US Mint in 1900 and thus be the property of the government, according to a published report.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s website reported that a search of the Haithi Trust Digital Library provided by Northern California fishing guide Jack Trout, who is also a historian and collector of rare coins, turned up the news of the theft.

The California couple, who have not been identified, spotted the edge of an old can on a path they had hiked many times before several months ago. Poking at the can was the first step in uncovering a buried treasure of rare coins estimated to be worth $10 million.

“It was like finding a hot potato,” the couple told coin expert Don Kagin from Kagin’s, Inc. The couple hired the president of Kagin’s, Inc. and Holabird-Kagin Americana, a western Americana dealer and auctioneer, to represent them.

I read a few articles about this. Walter Dimmick robbed the Mint on Market Street back in 1901 for $27,000 worth of gold coins in what was known as the Saddle Ridge Hoard. He got caught and was sentenced to 9 years at San Quentin. BUT, they never found the coins. My question is, why didn’t the guy go back for the coins after he got outta jail? I’m guessing he never read The Count of Monte Cristo or he just flat out forgot where he hid them. That would suck balls. Big hairy balls. Poor guy probably had a worse memory than myself and completely forgot where he hid them…Mary….

And who finds this guy’s long, lost treasure? The biggest DERFS of all time, Dr. Derfenstein and his wife Deirdra Derfenstein. They said it was like finding a “hot potato”. A HOT FUCKING POTATO? No you just found $27,000 worth of coins and they just so happened to be gold coins from the turn of the 20th century. So, maybe ask yourselves, how much would they be worth now? 10 million dollars. That’s how much. Next question you ask yourselves, what should we do with them? Not tell a single God damn soul and sell them offshore, or melt them down and sell them. Shit, I bet you coulda sold them on Ebay! Since you chose not to do any of those somewhat intelligent options, the Feds just swooped the shit out of them. Gone. Theirs, not yours. You’re no longer millionaires. Great job. I now understand why people hate us Californians so much.

Regardless of what these people were thinking, I’m still bummed it wasn’t me. It was always my childhood dream to find a chest or pot of gold. I watched Tom and Huck a billion times as a kid and this story seems very familiar. Except, Tom and Huck keep the gold from Injun Joe.

Or the final scene of The Goonies when they find the ship filled with treasure. Seriously, its every kid’s dream to find gold coins. It still is my dream. This couple ruined it and I award them DERF of the Year.

Off the record…Injun Joe still scares the shit outta me…Image

And my 1st crush was Becky Thatcher…Image

By: Dago Joe

A Lesson for Techies

Tim Ryan, co-owner of The Willows, called us back and calmly explained what was going on with the new Google Glass policy. Last week, at the height of the Molotov’s drama, the staff over at the pub got together and decided not to allow Google Glass-wearing customers. The next day, a man came to the bar wearing Google Glass and got upset when the bartender asked him to remove it. “He stormed out and gave us a one-star review on Yelp,” Ryan tells us. (Erin Sherbert)

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Tech writer Sarah Slocum wrote on her Facebook page that she was at Molotov’s on Haight Street Friday night. Slocum said she was showing someone at the bar how the high-tech glasses work, when two women confronted her. Then, a man ripped the Google Glass off of her face.

“OMG so you’ll never believe this but… I got verbally and physically assaulted and robbed last night in the city, had things thrown at me because of some *** Google Glass haters …” Slocum wrote on her Facebook page.

Slocum also said someone stole her purse and her phone . She said she later recovered the Google Glass along with video on the device that shows the man who ripped the glasses off her face. Her purse and phone are still missing. (Joe Vazquez)

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Okay techies. Everyone is getting sick of your shit. So stop acting up, and follow these 5 simple steps.

1. Don’t wear Google Glass in bars. No excuses, just don’t do it. No one wants you fucking recording them. I promise you, in the words of MCA (RIP), you’ll get mopped…I’ll stir fry you in my wok.

 

2. Have some respect for the original inhabitants of your neighborhoods (Mission/Haight/Cole Valley/SOMA) and don’t act like you’re cool because Google sends a bus to pick you up everyday. If you do, I will send Vietnam Tom to ride along…

3. Don’t complain on ANY social media outlet if you were acting like a Techy Hipster douche in public. If you write a bad Yelp review about a local bar,  you will end up being as ugly as Sarah Slocum (pictured above). WUFF.

4. Don’t leave your Fixie locked up on Mission, Valencia, or Haight because it will get stolen. If not, it will look like this…

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5. Move closer to where you work. Move to the Peninsula. I found some nice parks where you can ride your Fixies freely.

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And when you get to the park, make sure you do as this guy does…

How about the guy acting like he cares if he’s alright or not… “Did you film it?” Awesome.

Sincerely,

Dago Joe

Smokes at The Oscars

The Oscars were absolutely boring. Holy shit, probably the worst Oscars I’ve ever seen. Maybe I was just pissed that Marty Scorcese didn’t win anything for Wolf of Wall Street and same with Leo. They both got hosed. The Academy is a bunch douchebags anyways. That movie is way ahead of their time. I thought the selfie was pretty funny and the pizza delivery, but everything else was pretty shitty. Oh and of course Matt Mcconaughey quoting his character, David Wooderson, from Dazed and Confused at the end of his speech…”Alright, alright, alright”

But now lets look at the top 5 smokes…

1. Jessica Biel

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2. Angelina Jolie

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3. Kate Hudson

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4. Jennifer Lawrence

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5. Sandra Bullock

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By: Dago Joe

Sharks are Hot Right Now

The Sharks have won 2 out of 3 after the All Star Break, and I think it’s the best hockey they’ve been playing since the beginning of the year. With Couture or “Cooch” (as Joe Pa called him in a post-game interview) back in the lineup and Torres finally healthy, the Sharks are a scary team right now. 20-year-old stud, Tomas Hertl skated lightly at practice recently for the first time since December and his return is questionable. Eat Shit Dustin Brown.

In the first game after the break, Pavelski skated alongside Burns and Thornton and added his second hat-trick of the season. Torres scored 2 himself, and man did he look solid. He’s back to flying around the ice and setting himself up for golden opportunities. It’s great to see Torres back and capitalizing when given the chances. Couture added 2 goals as well and was robbed of a hat trick by the refs. They reviewed the goal for seriously 10 minutes and any person who has clear vision in both of their eyes could call that a goal. Shit, you could be half-blind and call that a goal. The puck was a foot over the line and the refs called it no goal probably because the score was 7-2 at the time and the game was in Philly. American goalie, Alex Stalock, had a great game in between the pipes and although Niemi didn’t start any games for Finland in the Olympics, he certainly needed some rest.

Talk about the King of redirection…

After Philly, they traveled to Buffalo and for some reason we can never beat the Sabres. It doesn’t make sense to me. They have our number and they don’t lose to us. The tables may turn now that they traded away the heart of their team. They traded Ryan Miller and Steve Ott to the Blues 30 minutes before the game in exchange for Jaroslav Halak, Chris Stewart, prospect William Carrier, a 2015 first rounder, and another conditional pick. I can’t believe they still beat us even without Miller in net. Anti Niemi had a bad game and was probably still hungover form partying in Sochi. The Sabres won 4-2, snapping the Sharks win streak and adding 3 consecutive wins themselves. With Miller in St. Louis, the Sharks will have to get through him and Jonathan Quick to get to the Cup.

The Sharks won their 5th game out of 6 after beating the Devils yesterday. Who scored the first 2 for the Sharks? Couture and Torres both in the 2nd. Tick-tack-Torres…

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The game was tied after 2 and both Nieto and  Patty Marleau found the net to send us back to San Jose victorious. Alex Stalock finished with 21 tough saves, stopping 3 breakaways and variety of close-range shots, while The Big Pavelski added 2 assists. It was weird seeing Ryan Clowe in red and white, but it made sense because his performance was subpar. The Sharks take on the Hurricanes at home tomorrow night and sit at 2nd in the Pacific with 84 points behind the Ducks with 91.

By: Dago Joe