Archive | Derf of the Day RSS for this section

Derf of the Year

Couple: “Hey Look we just found $10 million in gold coins…”

Feds: “Yes you did, now give that to us.”

ImageImage

A California couple who found a stash of buried gold coins valued at $10 million may not be so lucky after all. The coins may have been stolen from the US Mint in 1900 and thus be the property of the government, according to a published report.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s website reported that a search of the Haithi Trust Digital Library provided by Northern California fishing guide Jack Trout, who is also a historian and collector of rare coins, turned up the news of the theft.

The California couple, who have not been identified, spotted the edge of an old can on a path they had hiked many times before several months ago. Poking at the can was the first step in uncovering a buried treasure of rare coins estimated to be worth $10 million.

“It was like finding a hot potato,” the couple told coin expert Don Kagin from Kagin’s, Inc. The couple hired the president of Kagin’s, Inc. and Holabird-Kagin Americana, a western Americana dealer and auctioneer, to represent them.

I read a few articles about this. Walter Dimmick robbed the Mint on Market Street back in 1901 for $27,000 worth of gold coins in what was known as the Saddle Ridge Hoard. He got caught and was sentenced to 9 years at San Quentin. BUT, they never found the coins. My question is, why didn’t the guy go back for the coins after he got outta jail? I’m guessing he never read The Count of Monte Cristo or he just flat out forgot where he hid them. That would suck balls. Big hairy balls. Poor guy probably had a worse memory than myself and completely forgot where he hid them…Mary….

And who finds this guy’s long, lost treasure? The biggest DERFS of all time, Dr. Derfenstein and his wife Deirdra Derfenstein. They said it was like finding a “hot potato”. A HOT FUCKING POTATO? No you just found $27,000 worth of coins and they just so happened to be gold coins from the turn of the 20th century. So, maybe ask yourselves, how much would they be worth now? 10 million dollars. That’s how much. Next question you ask yourselves, what should we do with them? Not tell a single God damn soul and sell them offshore, or melt them down and sell them. Shit, I bet you coulda sold them on Ebay! Since you chose not to do any of those somewhat intelligent options, the Feds just swooped the shit out of them. Gone. Theirs, not yours. You’re no longer millionaires. Great job. I now understand why people hate us Californians so much.

Regardless of what these people were thinking, I’m still bummed it wasn’t me. It was always my childhood dream to find a chest or pot of gold. I watched Tom and Huck a billion times as a kid and this story seems very familiar. Except, Tom and Huck keep the gold from Injun Joe.

Or the final scene of The Goonies when they find the ship filled with treasure. Seriously, its every kid’s dream to find gold coins. It still is my dream. This couple ruined it and I award them DERF of the Year.

Off the record…Injun Joe still scares the shit outta me…Image

And my 1st crush was Becky Thatcher…Image

By: Dago Joe

Advertisements

Derf of the Day

SAN FRANCISCO (BCN) — A man stole a watch from a jewelry store near San Francisco’s Union Square on Sunday afternoon, police said.

Around 1:45 p.m., a man in his 30s entered a store near the corner of Grant Avenue and Post Street, said he was shopping for his fiancee and asked to see several rings, according to police.

He claimed he was a record producer and said he also wanted to look at watches. A saleswoman showed him a watch, and he said he needed one with more “bling,” according to police.

The saleswoman then gave him a watch with a diamond face and a platinum bezel to look at. He put the watch on his wrist and looked at it in a mirror, police said.

When the employee asked for the watch back, the man ran out of the store with the watch still on, according to police.

Shreve and Co. is located at that corner, but an employee there declined to comment on the robbery today. By Mario Sevilla watch2“Enough bling, sir?”

Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted.

Introducing jewelry sales woman, Sally Derfrickson. The dumbest sales person in San Francisco. I coulda walked into that store and told Sally I was Patrick Swayze (RIP) and she woulda believed me. I mean this guy claimed to be a record producer? Attempting to sell rap CD’s in the Tenderloin doesn’t make a person a record producer. Before handing him a watch with a diamond face and a platinum bezel (whatever the fuck that is), it might be smart to ask the guy what record label he works for or maybe a list of the records he has produced. Sally, if you hear answers like Trill Bill from the TL or Yung Nasty Cuz, you might not wanna hand the guy a watch that expensive. Just a thought. Good luck telling your boss that you thought a crackhead from the TL was a famous record producer. You woulda been in the clear if Ol Dirty Bastard was still alive and came into your store to buy a watch. He was a rich, famous rapper that looked like a crackhead. But then again, he also collected food stamps, so he probably woulda robbed you too and lost you your job. Charlie Croker in the building.

Image“If my daughter, she’ll fall on the floh, I wouldn’t pick her up, I tell her to Get UP. Wipe yo self off.”

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Day

CHULA VISTA (AP) — Authorities say it was a “selfie” that led detectives to a suspect in the burglary of a Southern California church.

U-T San Diego reports detectives found a phone at the crime scene in Chula Vista, where a laptop, cash, watches and other items were stolen.

On the phone was a photo the suspect had apparently snapped of himself.

Residents recognized the man in the photo and on Tuesday police arrested 26-year-old Adam Howe.

A search of his belongings uncovered property believed to be stolen from the Hilltop Tabernacle Church and an RV parked nearby.

Further investigation led to the arrest of two other people who were also found with stolen property.

By Mario Sevilla

Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted.

Hello my name is Joe, what is your name?

Image

In jail they be callin me DERFy because it rhymez wit selfie. Wait…no it doezn’t. Fuckin hatas. I robbed a church and a RV and deez hatas was gon thru my phone and sah a selfie of me, mean muggin’ doe. Now I be chillin in dis jail cell. The selfie pissed me off doe because I fohgott my skin was white. Lookun like vanilla ice up in dis jail, I lost all ma street cred.

Y’all seen my cuz Jesse on TV doe? Dat fool be famass deez days and I’m in jail wit deez hatas. I helped him out wit dat answering machine, cuz didn’t give me any scrill doe.

Leaveth Tone

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Day

Does this look like the face of a lady who drove 2 miles through a LA suburb with a dying man on her windshield?

Image

Driver With Man On Windshield Says She Panicked

By Mario Sevilla

LOS ANGELES (AP) — A woman who drove 2 miles through a Los Angeles suburb with a dying man on her windshield says she can’t remember hitting him.

Sherry Lynn Wilkins testified Wednesday that he seemed to fly onto her car in the 2012 incident in Torrance, but the events were a surreal blur.

Prosecutors say 31-year-old Phillip Moreno was struck so hard that he flipped onto Wilkins’ car and punched a hole in the windshield.

“It was a flash, “Wilkins said. “I pretty much felt him landing on my window. To me, it felt like he came from the sky.”

Asked by her attorney how she felt in that moment, she said, “Very confused, like it wasn’t real. It took me a while to figure out there was a body on the windshield.”

“I didn’t feel like I had hit him with my car,” she said. “I felt like he fell into my windshield from up high.”

Wilkins said she panicked and kept driving until other motorists told her to pull over.

“I was very scared,” she said. “I kind of froze.”

Wilkins, a former addict who became a drug and alcohol counselor, wept and said she’d been drinking that night but wasn’t drunk. She said she had been “self-medicating” while waiting for knee-replacement surgery and had consumed three airplane-size bottles of vodka and a can of Budweiser beer and Clamato before starting to drive.

Prosecutors say her blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit.

Wilkins has pleaded not guilty to murder, DUI and hit-and-run.

Copyright 2014 The Associated Press. 

Image

Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted

Introducing Alice in WonDERFland. This story is so ridiculous when I first read it I couldn’t believe it was real. She claims, “it was a flash, To me it felt like it came from the sky.” Ok, so now you think an angel has miraculously landed on your windshield, so what do you do? You drive around after pounding persy vodkas and bud clamatos (solid choice) for 2 miles while the poor guy is fighting for his life. He’s on your windshield lady, your fucking WINDSHIELD! If this guy didn’t watch enough Jason Statham and Vin Diesel movies he woulda been toast. But instead, this guy lived a stuntman’s dream and rode around on a windshield of a car for 2 miles. Yes 2 miles. Meanwhile, the lady driving has not one fuckin clue of what is happening. To her, he looked like an angel. To him, she looked like a drunk, cracked out devil lost in wonderfland.

The fact that this guy survived is absolutely unreal, and he gets two thumbs up in my book. He definitely did his homework by watching XXX, Crank, The Transporter and Death Race before stepping foot outside his LA suburb home.

By the way, there his no doubt he is the son of Vin Diesel and Jason Statham…I even heard he was Diesel’s stuntman in XXX. Pretty crazy.

Image

“DICK you just entered the ZANDER ZONE…Moral is don’t be a DICK, DICK!!”

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Day

Derf: a word used to describe the dumbest of actions. Usually used as an insult, it is known to be most effective when shouted.

Dumbass: “Hey guys, did you know Michael Jordan played baseball too?”
Guys: “DERF!”

BENICIA — A Benicia elementary school teacher has been released from jail after being held on a $15,000 bail, and being charged with three counts of felony poisoning charges.

She was arrested on Friday at Matthew Turner Elementary School in Benicia, after allegedly feeding her co-workers marijuana-laced food at an employee pot luck.

Police were informed in early December by Benicia Unified School District Superintendent Janice Adams that a number of people reported feeling sick or possibly under the influence after attending a Nov. 21 after-hours employee potluck, Hartig said.

One female victim was admitted to a hospital for treatment that evening, and another was admitted on Nov. 22 complaining of chest pain and other symptoms, Hartig said.

Tests determined that victim had THC, the psychoactive substance in marijuana, present in her blood, Hartig said.

Police determined that several other people reported feeling like they were under the influence as a result of the potluck, and that one had taken the affected food home, where a juvenile family member consumed it.

The juvenile later experienced some of the same symptoms, Hartig said.

Badger allegedly confessed her involvement to individuals who were also at the party, Hartig said.

By Candice Naranjo

Image

Introducing school teacher Mrs. DERF. I mean how dumb do you have to be to bring pot brownies to a COMPANY potluck? It’s one thing if you gave em to your friends without them knowing, but giving them to a bunch of square elementary school teachers? Not too smart. What the fuck did she think was gonna happen? Did she honestly think everyone was gonna be happy and giggly and start laughing until they pissed their pants?

I ate a half of a Korova 100 mg brownie from a medical club about a week ago. I ate it 3 hrs before my last softball game of the season. Sad thing is that I was kinda hungry at the time, and it looked so damn delicious, so I ate it on an empty stomach. It tasted a little bit like weed, and I have never had bad experiences eating brownies, so I didn’t think it would fuck me up too badly. It took about 45 minutes until my body turned numb, then an hour later or so, my eyes went from cocaine white to cherry red. Now it was game time and I was as high as Method Man and Red Man in the movie, How High, before taking their SAT. So I thought to myself, this could either have been an absolutely horrible idea or a genius idea. Like Method Man and Red Man, I thought, maybe it will have a positive effect on me and I will bat 5 for 5 with no fielding errors.

I played the entire game at right center, and prayed no ball would come near me. Two innings in, a shallow pop up came to me. A bit shaky, I still caught it and almost gunned a guy down tagging at home. I thought, “Ok, maybe I’m gonna have an alright game.”

I ended up batting 4 for 5 with 4 RBI’s and we won our first game in Droppin Deuces history. I couldn’t fuckin believe it. I might as well have been Method Man in How High. Instead of getting into Harvard, I played the game of my life. I may have had a few errors in the field, but hey who’s counting? We won.

IMG_3656

Who the looks the most stoned in this photo? (Hint: he’s tall and may or may not have a green bat in his hands)

After the game we went straight to the Deuces bar, signed a softball to put up as our trophy, and proceeded to get shitfaced. I kid you not, I was hungover from the brownie, not the alcohol, until 11 am the next day. While I may have played well, I will never eat another Korova brownie again. I honestly thought my heart was gonna beat threw my chest during every at bat. I was a reck, but I pulled it together. The night will go down in history as our first ever win.

Droppin Deuces softball team +1

Korova Brownie +1 trillion

By: Dago Joe