Archive | News RSS for this section

SHCP Fightin Irish Basketball

Love to see the Irish winning…especially in CCS open division basketball. Last second steal for a buzzer-beating, game-winning 70 foot shot = Sportscenter Top 10. Sorry about it, pumpkin land.

By: Dago Joe

Derf of the Year

Couple: “Hey Look we just found $10 million in gold coins…”

Feds: “Yes you did, now give that to us.”

ImageImage

A California couple who found a stash of buried gold coins valued at $10 million may not be so lucky after all. The coins may have been stolen from the US Mint in 1900 and thus be the property of the government, according to a published report.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s website reported that a search of the Haithi Trust Digital Library provided by Northern California fishing guide Jack Trout, who is also a historian and collector of rare coins, turned up the news of the theft.

The California couple, who have not been identified, spotted the edge of an old can on a path they had hiked many times before several months ago. Poking at the can was the first step in uncovering a buried treasure of rare coins estimated to be worth $10 million.

“It was like finding a hot potato,” the couple told coin expert Don Kagin from Kagin’s, Inc. The couple hired the president of Kagin’s, Inc. and Holabird-Kagin Americana, a western Americana dealer and auctioneer, to represent them.

I read a few articles about this. Walter Dimmick robbed the Mint on Market Street back in 1901 for $27,000 worth of gold coins in what was known as the Saddle Ridge Hoard. He got caught and was sentenced to 9 years at San Quentin. BUT, they never found the coins. My question is, why didn’t the guy go back for the coins after he got outta jail? I’m guessing he never read The Count of Monte Cristo or he just flat out forgot where he hid them. That would suck balls. Big hairy balls. Poor guy probably had a worse memory than myself and completely forgot where he hid them…Mary….

And who finds this guy’s long, lost treasure? The biggest DERFS of all time, Dr. Derfenstein and his wife Deirdra Derfenstein. They said it was like finding a “hot potato”. A HOT FUCKING POTATO? No you just found $27,000 worth of coins and they just so happened to be gold coins from the turn of the 20th century. So, maybe ask yourselves, how much would they be worth now? 10 million dollars. That’s how much. Next question you ask yourselves, what should we do with them? Not tell a single God damn soul and sell them offshore, or melt them down and sell them. Shit, I bet you coulda sold them on Ebay! Since you chose not to do any of those somewhat intelligent options, the Feds just swooped the shit out of them. Gone. Theirs, not yours. You’re no longer millionaires. Great job. I now understand why people hate us Californians so much.

Regardless of what these people were thinking, I’m still bummed it wasn’t me. It was always my childhood dream to find a chest or pot of gold. I watched Tom and Huck a billion times as a kid and this story seems very familiar. Except, Tom and Huck keep the gold from Injun Joe.

Or the final scene of The Goonies when they find the ship filled with treasure. Seriously, its every kid’s dream to find gold coins. It still is my dream. This couple ruined it and I award them DERF of the Year.

Off the record…Injun Joe still scares the shit outta me…Image

And my 1st crush was Becky Thatcher…Image

By: Dago Joe

A Lesson for Techies

Tim Ryan, co-owner of The Willows, called us back and calmly explained what was going on with the new Google Glass policy. Last week, at the height of the Molotov’s drama, the staff over at the pub got together and decided not to allow Google Glass-wearing customers. The next day, a man came to the bar wearing Google Glass and got upset when the bartender asked him to remove it. “He stormed out and gave us a one-star review on Yelp,” Ryan tells us. (Erin Sherbert)

google glass

Tech writer Sarah Slocum wrote on her Facebook page that she was at Molotov’s on Haight Street Friday night. Slocum said she was showing someone at the bar how the high-tech glasses work, when two women confronted her. Then, a man ripped the Google Glass off of her face.

“OMG so you’ll never believe this but… I got verbally and physically assaulted and robbed last night in the city, had things thrown at me because of some *** Google Glass haters …” Slocum wrote on her Facebook page.

Slocum also said someone stole her purse and her phone . She said she later recovered the Google Glass along with video on the device that shows the man who ripped the glasses off her face. Her purse and phone are still missing. (Joe Vazquez)

googleglass2

Okay techies. Everyone is getting sick of your shit. So stop acting up, and follow these 5 simple steps.

1. Don’t wear Google Glass in bars. No excuses, just don’t do it. No one wants you fucking recording them. I promise you, in the words of MCA (RIP), you’ll get mopped…I’ll stir fry you in my wok.

 

2. Have some respect for the original inhabitants of your neighborhoods (Mission/Haight/Cole Valley/SOMA) and don’t act like you’re cool because Google sends a bus to pick you up everyday. If you do, I will send Vietnam Tom to ride along…

3. Don’t complain on ANY social media outlet if you were acting like a Techy Hipster douche in public. If you write a bad Yelp review about a local bar,  you will end up being as ugly as Sarah Slocum (pictured above). WUFF.

4. Don’t leave your Fixie locked up on Mission, Valencia, or Haight because it will get stolen. If not, it will look like this…

fixie

5. Move closer to where you work. Move to the Peninsula. I found some nice parks where you can ride your Fixies freely.

peninsula

And when you get to the park, make sure you do as this guy does…

How about the guy acting like he cares if he’s alright or not… “Did you film it?” Awesome.

Sincerely,

Dago Joe

Fleet Week is Coming Back

Hell Ya! It sucked not having the Blue Angels here last Fall. It was like being in Tahoe in January with no snow. Just didn’t make sense. Fleet week is always during Indian Summer, so the summer fog is gone, and people are able to enjoy the sunshine. It’s also during Columbus Weekend and while the Columbus Parade is going downhill fast, it’s still an excuse to drink all day at La Rocca’s and Gino’s while celebrating Christopher Columbus. I hate hearing shit like Columbus was a rapist and a racist. The guy founded the greatest land of all lands. The US of A. Can’t wait for October 15. http://www.fleetweek.usba1

ba2 ba3 BLUE ANGELS PERFORM OVER THE BAY 071007-N-8878B-342

By: Dago Joe

L Taraval Shuts Down…I talk about Muni Lines and Cool SF Bums

SAN FRANCISCO — A water main break in San Francisco’s Parkside neighborhood this afternoon is disrupting Municipal Railway light-rail service in the area, utility and Muni officials said.

Muni officials issued an alert on Twitter at 1:48 p.m. about a main break at 15th Avenue and Ulloa Street that is affecting the agency’s L-Taraval line.

Light-rail vehicles on the L-Taraval line are stopping at the West Portal station and bus shuttles are taking passengers the rest of the way along the route, Muni officials said.

The main that broke was a 6-inch pipe on 15th Avenue, San Francisco Public Utilities Commission spokeswoman Amy Sinclair said.

SFPUC crews responded and stopped the flow of water from the pipe as of about 2:50 p.m., Sinclair said.

She said water service is out on 15th Avenue between Ulloa and Taraval streets while crews make repairs to the pipe.

By Candice Naranjo

This is funny. If you are white and you have ever ridden the K, L, or M, you know damn well that the odds of you being the only white person on the train is between 75% and 80%. It’s like when you hop on one of those lines you feel like Dirk Nowitzki in China. Only difference is that they know you’re not Dirk so your shit-outta-luck. Instead of being treated like a basketball star, you just get a ton of odd stares and mean mugs. Meanwhile, the lady next to you coughs into her SARS mask and the old, wrinkly guy on the other side of you wearing an Arizona Diamondbacks hat (of course he has no clue what team it is) hocks a loogie right in front of your beat up Nikes. You also feel outta place for not having a pink grocery bag filled with fish and stinking up the entire train. If anyone is gonna comment on this post and say I’m racist, then YOU are ignorant. Go ride one of those lines and tell me different.

sars

I take the K-Ingleside home all the time and I know that I am going to be outnumbered 100 to 1. If you’re riding the L, you might be lucky enough to ride next to Boxcar Larry. Boxcar Larry is the white alcoholic bum that can be found panhandling outside the Walgreens on 21st and Taraval. He is an angry drunk and can be frequently seen with a black eye or a bloody lip because he trash talked someone for not giving him money. He has white long hair, a white beard, and a raspy ass voice.

boxcarlarry

THROWBACK BOXCAR LARRY (with a stolen watch)

Boxcar Larry isn’t half as cool as Jackson. Jackson is black and got his name because he is from Jackson, Mississippi. Whether or not he’s homeless is questionable, but he is always seen wearing a black wool coat, black shades (even at night), and a black Kongol hat (but he wears it forwards unlike Samuel L). He has gray hair, and a gray goatee, and he is usually selling Street Sheets outside of what used to be St. Francis Market on West Portal. Jackson is a cool bum. Nice guy, I always used to give him my change after buying 40’s with my fake ID in high school from St. Francis. I haven’t seen him in awhile but it’s always great running into him.

This brings me to Nate (RIP). Nate was the dirtiest bum west of Twin Peaks. He was always so fucked up that he was constantly drooling. Nate was located on Ocean Avenue usually outside of a Chinese restaurant, drooling, drinking, and wearing a big black puffy jacket (no matter the weather). Before we were old enough to even look 21 or have enough money for a fake ID, we would give Nate money to buy us 40’s. He would look at us and I swear, every time, he stared 1,000 miles behind us, but his hearing must’ve been on point. He would stumble across the street and bring himself together to buy up for us. We would usually give him an extra $5. What would he spend it on? Mad Dog 20/20 Bling Bling. Unlike any other bum, Nate rocked a bottle with a Bling Bling necklace and created BumSwag as we know it. Wine coolers define BumDrunk, but drinking a wine cooler with a gold necklace on it is like wearing a fake rolex to career day at your Alma Mater…You’re immediately the coolest guy around.

High School student: “Excuse me, sir, that’s a nice watch you got on there. Maybe one day, when I become a millionaire, I can get one of those.”  

Bum: “Ayy Nate, that bottle is cool, man. I like the gold. You been saving up?”

Whether it’s a Mad Dog 20/20 Bling Bling or a fake rolex, people will compliment, and people will want what you have. Thanks Nate for teaching me a life long lesson. Next time I’m getting BumDrunk, I’ll pour one out for you. Rest in Peace.

md2020

Welcome to San Francisco: Land of Cool Bums and Chinese People!

By: Dago Joe

Shitsenders.com

http://www.shitsenders.com. This might be the greatest website of all time. Remember that lady in the Richmond District who didn’t let you park your car in front of her house because you were 2 centimeters in her driveway? Or that douchebag in your dorm that thought he was cool because he always won beer pong games simply because he practiced with water cups day in and day out? Or how about that professor who failed you because you missed more than 3 classes? And of course you remember your ex-girlfriend who cheated on you multiple times. (Those may or may not have happened to me before).

This is the perfect payback. Send them shit. Yes, SHIT. You can send them all different types…

Cow Dung – 1 quart
$15.95 + $7.95 shipping
Cow Dung – 1 gallon
$24.95 + $9.95 shipping
Elephant Crap – 1 quart
$17.95 + $7.95 shipping
Elephant Crap – 1 gallon
$26.95 + $9.95 shipping
Gorilla shit – 1 quart
$19.95 + $7.95 shipping
Gorilla shit – 1 gallon
$28.95 + $9.95 shipping
NEW! shit Combo Pack
3 Types of shit in 1 Package!!!
Combo shit Pack – 1 gallon
$44.95 + $9.95 shipping

And even a combo pack! What goes around, comes around. And sometimes it’s in the form of Shit.

Or you can be just like me and package up shit from your dog. Either way works.

“Don’t tell me my business DEVIL WOMAN!”

By: Dago Joe

Bryan Stow Case Shines a Light on Sports Rivalries

LOS ANGELES (KRON) — The two men who attacked Dodgers fan Bryan Stow are heading to state prison after pleading guilty to mayhem, assault and battery, and inflicting great bodily injury charges.

Under the terms of the plea agreement 31-year old Louie Sanchez will serve eight years in state prison. 30-year old Marvin Norwood will get four years.

Both could have faced up to eleven years if a jury had convicted them of assaulting Stow, a South Bay paramedic who was wearing a Giants jersey at Dodger’s Stadium during the Opening Day game in 2011.

Witnesses at a preliminary hearing testified Stow was sucker punched then and kicked in the ribs. He suffered traumatic brain injuries when he fell and hit his head on the pavement.

In victim impact statements read before sentences were handed down, Stow’s father called the defendant’s “cretins.” David Stow said the time the two spend in prison “is insignificant compared to what Bryan must endure.”

stow1 stow4 stow2 stow3

This case certainly did get a ton of media attention. Poor guy is never gonna be the same, and he will have to raise his daughters with brain damage. It’s horrible to hear news like this, and I hope these to thugs learn a lesson in prison. Whether or not Stow was running his mouth to these guys, both sides gotta realize that when it push comes to shove, they are not the ones making millions of dollars. They are simply fans. I understand that fans can be “diehard”, but that doesn’t mean you have to go beat someone or kill someone because they are wearing rival colors. The Dodgers and Giants rivalry has been around since both the teams were in New York in the late 19th century. Yes it is one of the most historic rivalries in baseball and I can understand the bitterness between fans. I hate LA fans and LA fans hate SF fans. That’s how it is and how it will always be.

But, I realize I’m not a player, and I’m not making the big bucks. There’s absolutely no need to fight over this shit. I’m not in a gang and I don’t represent black & orange as my “colors”. People take it to that level and that’s when shit gets bad. This past season a 24 year old Dodger fan was stabbed to death in San Francisco, and the case didn’t get half as much media attention. It’s weird that both parties were from Northern California, and it’s very unfortunate someone lost their life over being a fan.

Same shit happens when the Niners and Raiders play each other. People getting stabbed left and right. It’s so fuckin stupid. Raiders season tickets have been in my family since the 60’s and growing up in  the 90’s, I can say that I seriously did feel bad for fans wearing opposing colors. During tailgates and games, they faced all kinds of harassment, from beers being thrown at them to defending themselves in fights. It was ugly and it was pure trashy. Nowadays, the tables have turned. Raiders fans are a lot classier (I’m not talking about the idiots who dress up like it’s Halloween and don’t know the difference between Pistol formation and Power-I). I’m saying that all of the harassment and bullshit that used to happen doesn’t happen so much anymore. Nowadays, it’s nice to go to games and see smokes in yoga pants from Danville, Walnut Creek, and Alamo playing beer pong and flip cup at tailgates. It’s also nice not seeing fights during the games. I can’t tell you how many fights I saw as a little kid at Raiders games. It never made sense to me seeing Raiders fans fighting other Raiders fans. Glad that doesn’t happen anymore. It’s probably because ticket prices have increased, keeping all the trash at home to watch the games.

Candlestick on the other hand, turned into a Norteno rally over the past decade. I’m not saying all of the Niners fans at the Stick were gang affiliated but a lot of them used Niners jerseys as disguise. They were the exact same as Raiders fans in the 90’s, pure trash. Picking fights with their own fans and trash talking elders who have had season tickets for decades. There is a reason why the lights when out during the Niners Monday Night Game at the Stick two seasons ago. It wasn’t on accident. It was to show the entire nation that it was time for the Niners to move to a new stadium. By doing so, it gives the organization an entire new look and fan base. Why the Niners moved outta the city? I have no idea. But, at least the players will have nicer facilities and the fan base will completely shift from gang bangers to techy nerds and rich peninsula corporations. Facebook, Google, Twitter, Yahoo, and the rest of the tech companies will make up the new Niners fan base at Levi Stadium. It’s gonna be funny, but at least fans won’t have to deal with the bullshit they had to deal with while at The Stick.

A few years ago, the NFL said the Raiders and Niners will never play again in regular season. That was a crock of shit because we play the Niners at home next season and it’s guaranteed that all of the trashy fans from both sides of the Bay will come out just to start shit. I’ll set the over/under of stabbings at 5.

By: Dago Joe

Whatsapp Selling Out?

NEW YORK (KRON and Wire Reports) — Reports that Menlo Park-based Facebook is planning to purchase mobile messaging service WhatsApp for up to $19 billion in cash and stock.

WhatsApp Messenger is a cross-platform mobile messaging app which allows you to exchange messages without having to pay for SMS, the company’s web site says.

WhatsApp Messenger is available for iPhone, BlackBerry, Windows Phone, Android and Nokia.

According to the company’s web site, the Silicon Valley-based company was founded in 20090 “by two guys who spent combined 20 years doing geeky stuff at Yahoo! Inc. before starting WhatsApp Inc.”

By Mario Sevilla

The second Zuckerberg senses a threat from any competition, he throws billions of dollars to buy them out. Instagram (check). Snapchat (nope). Whatsapp (?). The Instagram dudes sold out for way too cheap, $1 billion in cash and stock. Too cheap because they coulda bargained for a lot more considering Instagram is more popular than Facebook these days. Snapchat is blowing up and I applaud the owners for not selling out at $3 billion. However, you give me either of those offers, and I’m taking the money and running faster than Jamarcus Russell. Only difference between me and Jamarcus is that I can get as fat as I want and drink as much lean as I want, because I never have to show up to a day of work again. Oh wait, he did that too. He just had to wear a silver & black helmet and jersey 16 Sundays out of the year. Not a bad deal at all. Die slow Jamarcus.

Image

The Snapchat dudes were just as douchey as Zuckerberg, but they knew they coulda got a better offer. For some reason, they think they have a brighter future than Facebook. Maybe they do? Whether this was real or not, it’s funny to see Stanford bros talking mad S…Mark Zuckerberg here.

Now onto whatsapp. Free texting for all smartphones. Cool. Now sell the fuckin company. You have $19 billion in cash in front of you along with Facebook stock. Take the money, buy a yacht, pay a chemist to recreate Quaaludes (especially lemons) and live a life like Jordan Belfort. Done. Never working again. See ya.Image

By: Dago Joe

The Greatest Kickball Team Ever

HERMOSILLO, Mexico (AP) — Parents in the Mexican state of Sonora will no longer be allowed to name their children “Facebook,” ”Rambo” or 59 other now banned given names.

The names have been found at least once in state registries. And the list could grow because officials are still checking the state’s 132 newborn registries, Sonora state Civil Registry director Cristina Ramirez said Tuesday.

The law banning a list of 61 odd or offensive names took effect Monday. It seeks to protect children from being bullied, Ramirez said.

“The law is very clear because it prohibits giving children names that are derogatory or that don’t have any meaning and that can lead to bullying,” she said.

Ramirez said that in the town of Navojoa a boy was recently named “Juan Calzon,” or “Juan Panties,” and a girl was named “Lady Di.”

Other odd names include a girl called “Marciana,” or “Martian,” and a boy called “Circuncision,” or “Circumcision.”

Sonora is across the border from the U.S. state of Arizona.

By Mario Sevilla

Introducing the greatest kickball team ever. The Sonora Kickball Team.

1. RAMBO, Pitcher

rambo

2. Marvin the Martian, Center Field

marvin

3. Facebook, 2nd Base

markz

4. Circumcision, 3rd Base

smegma

5. Brock Landers, Short Stop

brock_landers

6. Hulk Hogan, 1st Base

hulk1 hulk2

7. Bill Clinton, Left Field

bill1

bill2

8. Babe Ruth, Catcher

babe

9. Bruce Springsteen, Right Field

bruce1

1. Rambo dealing fastballs at 130 MPH, change ups at 100 MPH, and curves at 90 MPH. Need I mention he is 50/50 at bat with 30 HR’s this season?

2. Marvin the Martian, the fastest guy on the field, robbing people all day in center and slap-kicking singles every at bat.

3. Minus Zuckerberg at 2nd, the team is absolutely stacked. Zuckerberg could end up being like David Eckstein and be a gamer who has to use all of his will to throw the ball from short stop to 1st base. So, I put Zuckerberg at 2nd.

4. Circumcision, saving his team from venereal diseases and kicking triples as well as he chops off foreskin.

5. Brock Landers, the Kung Fu King hasn’t had an error in his 20 seasons at SS and has perfected the ground rule double.

6. Hulk Hogan, behind Rambo, he is the most feared man on the field. He either strikes out or kicks home runs (striking out rarely). He also doesn’t let anyone touch 1st base without kicking them in the nuts. Cup Check!

7. Bill Clinton smoking doobies in left and creating positive friendships with the fans is the greatest PR move in Sonora Kickball history.

8. Babe Ruth at Catcher. The Sultan of Swat, The King of Crash, The Collossus of Clout…need I say more…

9. The Boss in right field. When the highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive, the Boss is there to help. Bruce is by far the clutchest player on the team. He has kicked 30 walk off HR’s this season.

To any opponents of the Sonora Kickball team, I say “good luck”.

By: Dago Joe

Welcome to Oakland

“The Wild Wild West”

This shit is ridiculous. The cops can’t even control the streets of Oakland. After mayor, Jerry Brown, left Oakland for bigger and better things, the Town literally turned into a war zone. Jean Quan might be the worst mayor in the entire world. Somebody needs to force her to resign because if she doesn’t, it’s only gonna get worse. Oakland needs the OG Robo Cop, Batman, and the Terminator. All 3 would teach these thugs a lesson.

“WE ARE HERE TO SAVE OAKLAND”

robocop batman terminator

I’m sure they could use some help from the Sacramento cops too.

By: Dago Joe