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War with Canada

USA WOMEN’S HOCKEY

We were up 2-0 with 3:30 left in the 3rd. Canada snuck 1 in and pulled their goalie with just under 2 minutes. On a clear that looked like it was going in, the puck hit Canada’s post. The fucking post. Canada came back with speed against the USA women’s defense who were playing back and soft. Prevent defense never works in any sport… Canada buried another 1 to tie it up and send the game into Sudden Death.

OT: Canada gets called on a cross check. Powerplay for us. Then what happens? The refs call an absolute bullshit slashing on us. Such horse shit, couldn’t believe it after seeing the replay. We get called on another penalty when a Canada player had a breakaway. Coulda been called a penalty shot and wasn’t, but the refs missed the hold on Canada at mid-ice before that.

4 on 2. Fucking refs, ruined a great game. I can’t believe we lost that game. We’re coming for you Canada. I promise you that. THIS IS WAR.

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By: Dago Joe

Next up. Canada.

Talk about owning the crease. The Czech goalie, Ondrej Pavelec, got his crease dominated worse than Lisa Ann and Shyla Stylez combined. Team USA used their speed to open up the ice and possess the puck low in the Czech’s zone multiple times. David Backes, Dustin Brown, and Ryan Callahan also known as the Meat Line define this tactic. Their chemistry is on fire and they know how to get the puck behind defensemen and spread the puck to open up the net. They found the back of the net twice in the 1st period on goals from Backes and Brown.

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Phil Kessel scored for the fifth time in 4 games and Jonathan Quick stayed solid with 21 saves. Defensemen, Ryan Suter, who’s father was on the 1980 team, had a great game with 3 assists. Team USA won the game 5-2 and will take on Canada this Friday at 9 am PT. Canada barely beat 11th seed Latvia, but there’s no doubt this Friday will be a tough game against the favorites.

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Russia got knocked out today, and so did local artists, Pussy Riot…

Probably not a good day to protest.

Our defense is playing well, but I’m sure we are going to need a big game from Quick. I’m also waiting for Kane to do something more than just hog the puck and turn it over. If there’s any time to step up, it’s now. The winner will play either Sweden or Finland in the gold medal game. And to Sid, don’t fuck with The Big Pavelski again…

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By: Dago Joe

USA HOCKEY Making Moves

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For those of you who missed the USA vs Russia game this past Saturday, I feel bad for you. It was one of the most historic games for Team USA behind the Miracle on Ice in 1980. Since the game was at 4:30 am, I decided to DVR it and of course I recorded the game with extended time in case it went into OT & shootouts. Worst thing about watching a game on DVR is not being able to look at your phone or computer for a few hours. Being able to fast forward through the intermissions is awesome, but I have to say, I always prefer to watch a game live. However, 4:30 am is brutal, and DVR was necessary for a game time like this.

The game was outstanding to say the least. While Russia outsized Team USA, Coach Dan Bylsma had a few tricks up his sleeve to stop them on their home ice.

1. Put a body on Ovechkin.

2. Have Ryan Callahan fly around the ice like a mad man.

3. Speed kills.

These 3 minor elements of the game plan were key to the USA beating Russia. 1. The US didn’t give Ovechkin any space, and made sure to follow through on their hits during his shifts. He did have some scary shots, but overall, the US did a great job of roughing him up. 2. I loved the way Ryan Callahan played the entire game. He flew around the ice, throwing his body at any Ruski in his way. His scrappy edge frustrated a number of the Ruskis, and a successful hockey team always needs a guy like Callahan. 3. Speed certainly does kill. We were outsized, and the Russians were fast as hell too, but I thought we out skated them. We were able to put the puck into space and capitalize on our opportunities.

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Problems

Other than the assist to Joe Pavelski for our first goal, I wasn’t too impressed by Patrick Kane. He had a dumb penalty at the end of the 2nd, turned the puck over on a 4 on 3, and choked on a breakaway. He didn’t attempt any type of deke and went straight for the 5 hole. I’m not gonna be too critical, but I expected more from him.

I’m also nervous about winning face-offs. We couldn’t win any face-offs against Pavel Datsuk, so I’m a bit nervous when we have to face Canada. Datsuk is a top 5 player in the world, but we gotta win more. Possession is huge in close games.

Hat Tips

1. Joe Pavelski for scoring his 1st goal of the tournament with help from Patrick Kane.

2. Ryan Callahan for doing what he does best (hitting and pissing Ruskis off).

3. Jonathan Quick for having a great game in between the pipes with 29 saves and 5 saves in the shootout.

4. Ryan Kessler for sacrificing his body and taking a puck to the wrist.

5. Phil Kessel and Cam Fowler for putting in the 1st goal.

6. TJ Motherfucking Oshie.

Oshie put the team on his back in Shootouts and went 4 for 6. The kid stepped up to the plate and won us the game. Thank you TJ, thank you. One day can I hang out with your smokeshow wife while you practice penalty shots? Maybe?

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Team USA smoked the Slovenians the following day 5-1. The cheese heads out of Wisconsin, Phil Kessel and Joe Pavelski, stole the show. Kessel scored 3 goals, each assisted by Pavelski.

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We play tomorrow against the winner of the Czech Republic vs. Slovakia game. We’re coming for you Canada…

By: Dago Joe

USA Hockey vs. Slovakia Recap

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Jaroslav Halak. How did it feel to get to get embarrassed, dominated, and bent over in front of the entire world? In case you don’t know who he is, he is the Slovakian goalie. Team USA put in 5 goals on the poor bastard. Slovakia looked like the NY Rangers on October 8 against the Sharks (except the Sharks put in 9). Halak is lucky Tomas Hertl isn’t American…

Wow did Team USA look good. They looked as good as Margot Robbie did in Wolf of Wall Street…

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…..Stunning the entire world. Here are the highlights…

Congrats to John Carlson, Ryan Kesler, David Backes, Phil Kessel (who’s sister is on the women’s team), and Paul Stastny for scoring goals. Stastny recorded 2 goals against his father’s country of origin. Jonathan Quick finished with 22 saves and Slovakia was blatantly offsides on the only one he let by. All in all, the US played fast, hit well, and capitalized on all of their opportunities. Their chemistry was supreme and will continue to grow as the tournament continues. After watching that game, I’m sure other countries are shitting their pants right now. I’m looking forward to watching Team USA take on Russia tomorrow morning. I have a good feeling about the game.

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BEAT THE RUSSIANS!Image

By: Dago Joe

SOMF

Today’s winner goes to USA figure skater Ashley Wagner. You may have lost the gold but you’re still #1.

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Fourth place finisher Ashley Wagner skates during an exhibition event at the conclusion of the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Boston

Ashley Wagner of the United States reacts in the "kiss and cry" area during the Team Ladies Short Program at the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics

“Aww WTF?!?”

By: Dago Joe

Tinder: Sochi Style

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Jamie Anderson, the 23-year-old American snowboarder, tells US Weekly that she and her fellow female athletes spend their down time in Sochi on one app in particular:

“Tinder!” Anderson told Us with a laugh about the dating app. “Tinder in the Olympic Village is next level. It’s all athletes! In the mountain village it’s all athletes. It’s hilarious. There are some cuties on there.”

Anderson eventually had to remind herself, however, to focus on the real prize and put her love life on hold. “There was a point where I had to be like OK, this is way too distracting,” she said of using Tinder. I deleted my account to focus on the Olympics.”

Turning off Tinder ended up working in Anderson’s favor — at least in her career. She won the gold medal in Women’s Slopestyle Event at the 2014 Olympics in Sochi on Sunday, Feb. 9.

Nitasha Tiku on VALLEYWAG

Smokeshow…

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Good for them. I wish I was an Olympic athlete, winning medals and partying my ass off with foreigners. Shit, you’re never gonna see these people again, so you better act accordingly. I’d swipe right as fast as my arthritic thumb could handle it. Likes for days = Matches for days. Well maybe not matches for me, but, not even looking at the photos and swiping right increases your chances of getting a match by a tenfold. I would give my left nut in exchange for matching Carmen Schaeffer, Eve Muirhead, Jamie Anderson, or Lolo Jones. Either way, it’s not like you’re gonna match a fat chick. They’re all olympians. You might end up matching an ugly chick from Slovakia, but hey who cares? What happens in Sochi stays in Sochi.

But don’t swipe too fast because it could get awkward if you accidentally match Sergei Mahrokovs. Who’s that? Sergei is the infamous, gay, local Sochi drunk who stands at 6 feet 6 inches tall and 300 pounds. He states he is a woman on  tinder and if you are doing the swipe right quickly method, you could be in some trouble. Sergei is known to invite Olympians over to pound vodka (which he made in his bathtub) and sing Russian folk songs with his gay older sister, Olga, who is also 6’6 and could definitely break you in half. So be careful Olympians, be VERY careful. Sergei and Olga currently have 3 male French olympians in captivity. Then again, they are French, so who cares?

Sergei: “Hey aaaas would yous likes to come ovvur to my plakce and drinkuh, singuh, and perhapz fuckuh? My oldurr seezturr Olga haz sexuh withs youz.”

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OLGA (AKA Big Purp)olga

Again, be careful, Olympians…

Sincerely,

Dago Joe

Curling Smokesmash

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Vs.

Eve Muirhead, Great Britain

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Eve wins on the cute factor and the fact that she can pull off 2 hair colors and still look smoking (she’s hotter as a brunette). On her free time, she golfs and plays the bagpipes, which are pluses.

Carmen wins on the freak factor (tongue ring), stunning green eyes, and Angelina Jolie-esque lips. She surfs too?

Carmen Schaefer wins this one. She’s naturally a smokeshow, and the fact that she doesn’t give a shit about wearing her tongue ring in the Olympics is awesome. Yes, I know it’s curling, but she’s still flaunting it, and its outright sexy on her.

Carmen, Eve, please SOMF.

By: Dago Joe

Who does Team USA start at Goalie in Sochi? Which of their wives wins Smokesmash?

1. RYAN MILLER

6-2 175 7/17/1980 L East Lansing, Mich. Buffalo Sabres

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Miller has an impressive .926 save percentage this year, but surprisingly, it’s just .928 at even strength. He has 24 quality starts in 36 games, or an excellent 66.7 percent. His great reputation in the shootout is backed by a very good career save percentage of .708.Miller has an impressive .926 save percentage this year, but surprisingly, it’s just .928 at even strength. He has 24 quality starts in 36 games, or an excellent 66.7 percent. His great reputation in the shootout is backed by a very good career save percentage of .708.

2. JONATHAN QUICK

6-1 218 1/21/1986 L Milford, Conn. Los Angeles Kings

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Quick has a roughly league-average .917 save percentage but a solid .931 at even strength. He has 16 quality starts in 28 games, or a decent 57.1 percent. His career save percentage in the shootout is a very good .705.

3. JIMMY HOWARD

6-0 218 3/26/1984 L Ogdensburg, N.Y. Detroit Red Wings

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Howard has a roughly league-average .916 save percentage this year, including .923 at even strength. He has 16 quality starts in 29 games, or 55.2 percent. His career save percentage in the shootout is a very good .699. By: Rob Vollman

First of all, I can’t stand Jonathan Quick for being on the LA Kings, so I would never vote for him. And he was such a baby squid in the playoffs against the Sharks last season, bitching to the refs the entire series. Hatred aside, Quick plays behind one of the best defenses in the NHL and his glove hand isn’t all that strong. Teams score on Quick when they get the puck off the ice.

Howard is a solid goalie too, but he’s said to be too aggressive at times, while consistency is another problem for him. He’s known to give up goals on his blocker side too often, but I see Howard as the future goalie of Team USA.

I say we go with Ryan Miller. Miller was an absolute beast in Vancouver in 2010. We may have lost (fuck sid the kid), but Miller won the MVP. His experience under the big lights in the Vancouver Olympics as well as his consistency and high saving percentage earns him the starting spot in Sochi. Oh, and lets not forget his flow…

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Talk about some serious hockey flow. Well done Ryan. Well done.

Now onto their wives Smokesmash…

First up: Jimmy’s wife, Rachel

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Vs.

Ryan’s wife, Noureen DeWulf

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Vs.

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Holy smokes Noureen Dewulf is a goddess. Miller winning on all levels. Congrats, and lead us to the Gold. I want the Gold.

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By: Dago Joe

SOMF (Olympics Edition)

Today’s winner goes to Olympic Athlete, Lolo Jones. Lolo wins because she’s athletic and represents the Red, White, & Blue in both the Summer and Winter Olympics. She also has a great face, long legs, and a smoking body.

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Good luck in Sochi Lolo!